39. Looking Out to Sea

Looking out to sea, where the solid land meets fluid water and flows into open sky.

Horses’ race along the golden sand, birds wheel in the air and a boat crosses the invisible line, between the caught and the free.

Breathing in the briny bouquet, I listen to the gulls’ screeching symphony. But behind it all is the shush of a world changing.

This is the Edge where all things are free to be. Standing here, I wish to cross over, to be something else. To run, to sail, to fly, to be.

Here I am, looking out to sea.

38. An Ode to a Parent

You start with this little bundle of burrito. Then the legs and arms straighten, the melon head wobbles up right and before you know it Shrimp has grown into a four-legged octopus.

He walks, talks, asks awkward questions and repeats only the things he shouldn’t have heard. You credit him with his victories and take his faults as your own.

He grows into his name and out of his clothes, learns to read and write and each day swims further away.

But every year you can celebrate the arrival of the bundle, he no longer is – except when he’s asleep.

37. Driving Away

He’s driving away.

The rain hammers on the car window, obliterating the world outside. Leaning forward, the seat belt digs into his chest as he peers into fractured, wet, darkness and hopes to hell he doesn’t hit anything.

But the long hours of driving are weighing on his legs, his back, his arms, his heart and his eyes, which start to close.

In quiet blackness, he could find comfort, he could dream of what might’ve been and forget about what is. Forget about driving and driving and more driving.

He squints in compromise but continues to drive away, from her.

36. Bear’s Shadow

Walking forward, the low, winter sun blinds us, like the unseen future.

“Too sunny,” says a little voice.

So, we look down where we stand. This is the present. But it’s hard to stay still.

Looking back, is much easier. Our shadows stretch, tall and slim, along the pavement; mighty effigies in memory. That’s the past, defined, but dark and distorted.

“There’s bear’s shadow,” says the little boy, about to walk into a lamppost.

“Look where you’re going,” says mum, concentrating on the moment, even though she can’t see beyond her own feet. “Bear’s shadow will follow us, don’t worry.”

35. Pause to Connect

Busy working, busy organising, busy thinking. His brain buzzes like an office full of live electrical items. Then something floats through the buzz.

His body is already tapping a foot and mouthing the words. The familiar melody immobilizes his busy thoughts, just for a moment, like pausing TV at full volume. 

In the silence, memories connect to the song. The correlation is so strong, he wonders if she’s thinking of him too.

No way. She’ll be too busy working, too busy organising, too busy thinking. Too busy to feel anything.

The song ends. The connections lost. His world buzzes again.

34. Take Your Bow

It’s a short walk to the shooting line, but it’s another 140 yards to the bright pink flag you have to hit. Positioned in a ditch almost out of sight, it waves to you like a child playing hide-and-seek.

The low, winter sun breaks through, warming the air, and smiling faces warm your nerves. The whistle blows, and the dance begins.

Lifting their wooden partners, the first set shoot. Huge, leafless oaks line the field, like spectators. Some catch arrows.

Everyone promenades down the emerald ballroom. Ladies circle at 140 yards. Gentlemen march to 180. The winners take their bow.

33. The Damn Squeaky Door

He chooses to sit next to the damn door. He chooses, in the hope that she’ll walk through it, even though he knows she won’t.

It’s a big, heavy, wooden door and it needs oiling.

Every time it opens, it squeaks and his heart lurches, like a horse stumbling at the first hurdle. But it’s never her and he has to reign in his galloping heart.

After a few minutes, the tightness eases until the next squeak. Again it’s not her.

Squeak. Still not her.

Squeak. Not her.

Finishing his drink, his times up and…squeak.

He walks out the damn door.

Gabriel’s Sanctuary

In the beginning, knowing he was the best-looking luminous immortal ever made, Gabriel would stride among his adoring fans.   His tall stature, golden hair, and glorious façade would draw others to him and his warm voice, would hold them enthralled, like watching embers dance in a fire. The crowd would hang on his every word, everyone listened to him. Despite this influence Gabriel’s only desire was to be adored because the gleam of so many eyes on him made Gabriel glorious.

Even strong and silent Mykal loved him and the beautiful Morning Star Lucie could not outshine his voice. Instead she would whisper praise and adoration in his ear. Gabriel accepted the adulation as his due. So that when the Morning Star suggested they go on a quest to the Master’s Estate, Gabriel agreed without thinking and when she told him he was to be the First Messenger, he believed her implicitly.

Returning from that quest, Gabriel was held in awe because his voice was now the voice of the Unmoved Master. He spoke and the luminous population got to work.

His new status raised him high, to the top of a pedestal, to the heights of a mountain.  But being so elevated, removed Gabriel from his adoring fans, who were now busy doing everything he had instructed them to do. But the more he saw the more he feared his influence, and he wondered if he’d done the right thing.

Walking among the crowds, he still felt their gleaming awe but whereas before he had only desired it, now he needed their glow to fill the shadow at his centre.

He tried to speak to Lucie, but she was busy co-ordinating the Stars and he realised that away from others Lucie never listened to what he said. Mykal was a much better listener, but he wasn’t much of a talker and had stoically accepted his new role as Defender and was busy, organising troops.

Alone atop his mountain, Molly finds him.

“Where have you been?” he asks.

“Helping establish the Never-Ending Office, as you instructed oh glorious one,” she says, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms.

“Have you made up with Lucie?” asks Gabriel.

“What?”

“She said you were mean to her. That’s why you didn’t come to help with the Red Tape.”

“And of course, you believed her,” says Molly, her light flaring with her voice. “You didn’t think to ask me?”

“She’s the Morning Star,” says Gabriel with a shrug. “And your best friend.”

“And you believed her about that,” says Molly, but this time her light narrows onto Gabriel. “I thought, just maybe, you’d see through her, that you were different. But you’re just like everyone else.” Her words illuminate the shadow at Gabriel’s centre, the ones he’s tried to ignore. Gabriel rises above Molly, saying “I’m not like everyone else,” and spreading his wings, declares. “I am Glorious,” and he flies off to the sanctuary of his adoring fans, away from Molly’s penetrating gaze.

Molly’s Sanctuary

Running away from Lucie’s hurtful words, Molly discovers the Master’s Garden of Forms, where grows everything that would exist or ever existed in the Wild. Angry, Molly’s light blazes with blue fire and her head echoes with Lucie’s voice, “Let’s face it, you weren’t made to dance.” “You’re just not good enough.” Seeing little of the Forms around her, the glasses and hairbrushes, the carts and the cogs, Molly plods on.  

With every stride, along the well-kept paths, Lucie’s words get louder and louder, until they fill up Molly’s head, like lava in a volcano ready to burst. Unleashing her fury, in a flurry of feathers, Molly shoots up, as high as she can go. Or at least until she’s high enough to see the base of the Black Mountain, where all the Luminous have congregated around Lucie the liar.

Molly could have flown up and on forever, but the sight of the crowd gathered around her so-called best friend causes her sink back to the ground. As she falls, she mutters a response to the echoes in her head; quippy remarks that would have overshadowed Lucie’s light if only she’d thought of them at the time.

Deflating, Molly now starts to doubt herself. She wonders if Lucie was right. Molly can’t dance like Lucie, but does that mean she wasn’t made to be a Star? All the other Stars can dance the way Lucie wants them to, only Molly can’t dance like them. Maybe the Unmoved Master didn’t make her to dance, but then what was she made for?

Passing a patch of mirrors, Molly sees her dark-hair, flying wild and framing her pale, unremarkable face. Just as dark lashes frame her blue eyes, her only striking feature. Compared to Lucie, with her strong nose, high cheek bones, full-lips and shining light, Molly shouldn’t even be called a Luminous Immortal. Of course, at this moment Molly’s pale-yellow glow looks dim in comparison to Lucie the Morning Star. But even at her best, Molly is only a spark next to a sun.

Collapsing into a convenient Form of chair, Molly looks around her for the first time and sees other chairs, intermingled with some tables. None of them are the same yet they are all called tables and chairs. Slabs of stone, smooth marble, wooden benches, they are all different but despite their differences they all have a place in the Garden of Forms. Maybe there’s room for her too.

She just needs to find her place with the other Luminous Immortals.  Leaping into the air, Molly flies towards the crowd gathered at the base of the Black Mountain. But then she sees Lucie, Mykal and Gabriel shining brilliant against the dark rocks further away. They have set off on an adventure without her.

They don’t need her after all.

Watching the three heroes walking away, Molly sinks into the branches of Redwood, the tallest tree in the Always-Orchard. Its branches cradle her like a parent’s arms, her first sanctuary.

32. Dancing Drunk

The sticky floor sways, rolling you toward the bar.

You order, “A water,” because you promised your mum, “A shot of Sambuca,” because your friends dare you, “And a beer,” because it’ll relax the buzz in your nerves.

Downing the first two, you turn to the dance floor. Your friends slap you on the back, hook your arms and drag you into the indivisible mass of bodies.

The flashing lights and pounding music drown out any individual thoughts and you become part of the moment. Jumping and yelling, half remembered lyrics, you spend the rest of the night dancing drunk.